17 Aug
Mommy Wars
Yesterday I was catching up on a few blogs. I got to one particular blog and read a post about Mommy Wars and basically how dumb they are (which, duh). I posted a comment in agreement and as I read the other comments, I saw that someone called out the author for actually participating in Mommy Wars on a message board. This comment prompted the author to write another post and various follow-up comments in which she basically stated that yup she does indeed participate in Mommy Wars. But only for this one subject. And by the way, it’s perfectly fine to participate if it’s on-line. Particularly if someone asked for advice. And even more so if there is research out there that states that my way is safer than your way. Oh, and don’t you even dare judge me for formula feeding my baby from day 1. I’m pretty sure my head exploded all over my computer screen.
Mommy Wars are a sad reality in our world. I’m not sure when people started caring if someone else breast or bottle feeds, has an epidural or natural delivery, co-sleeps or crib-sleeps, uses cloth or disposable diapers, works or stays at home. When did how I care for my children become someone else’s business and why is it ok to think of me as a lesser parent because I don’t make the same choices as you?
I’m sure that Mommy Wars have been in existence forever, but I think that they’ve grown like a wild fire as message boards, blogs and other social media outlets have grown. I’m lucky that those in my on-line circle are wonderful, caring, compassionate women and I rarely ever see an instance of Mommy War in my Twitter stream or on my Facebook wall. Maybe I just keep my circle tight so that I don’t see it happen, but I would like to think that my on-line friends rarely openly and publicly judge and criticize another mom’s parenting.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am guilty of judging. A few weeks ago there was talk on Twitter of another mother (who isn’t on Twitter) letting her newborn cry it out. I’m not gonna lie, I commented on how hard it is for me to let my 10 month old cry and I couldn’t imagine letting a newborn cry. Almost as soon as I published the comment, I wanted to smack myself. Here I was taking information 2nd or 3rd hand and judging this poor mother who is trying to survive the newborn phase. I felt awful. Then I remembered when I was judged. And I felt even worse. I remember how angry I was when I was judged. For doing what I thought was best. For doing something that didn’t bring any harm to my child. Here I was doing the same thing.
Mommy wars on the internet are out of control. Someone asks when they should turn their child’s car seat forward facing. They are advised of the law but that the AAP recommends age 2. Comments start flying around and people state that they are following the law and not the AAP recommendation. Next thing you know someone is being accused of being a sub-standard parent. Not following an AAP recommendation doesn’t make you a bad parent. Following an AAP recommendation doesn’t make you a better parent and it certainly doesn’t make you a better person for judging and criticizing someone who parents in a different manner.
The internet makes it so easy to offer your criticism. There is at least some hint of anonymity. You don’t have to look another mother in the face and tell her that she’s wrong. You can just type out a quick comment and tell her she’s doing it wrong. In one minute you can rattle her and make her question her decision making. You can make her doubt herself as a mother, even though she is doing a knock-out job.
So how about instead of criticizing a mom, we start telling them that they are doing a good job? Give them confidence to make the tough decisions. Encourage them when breastfeeding is tough, console them when they are sad that their 3 month old will no longer nurse and their pumping output is next to nothing, give them a virtual hug when they aren’t sure what to do about their child still refusing to poop in the potty, tell them that they are a great mom. Because at the end of the day, all that matter is that kids are happy, healthy and loved. It doesn’t matter to me how they get there. And it shouldn’t matter to you either.
This work, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
I sometimes judge – but I keep it in my head. And I don’t really mean it 99% of the time. Because if I give it more than a knee jerk reaction length thought, all I really think is being a parent is hard. Really, really hard. And we are all just doing the best we can. I know very few parents who don’t want to do the best they can for their children (and those who didn’t were normally clients who needed social services not people I know socially).
Yes, I think that is the down side of the internet nowadays, you could see lot of word wars being thrown against one another. Well, I’d have to agree with you. People, most especially moms, should just encourage each other, appreciate each other’s efforts in keeping their children safe and being loved. At the end of the day, it’s you and your children that matters.
The thing that blew my mind the most about the situation you were talking about was how the woman’s stance was “oh, if it’s online, it’s okay”. No, it’s still not okay. If you wouldn’t say something to someone’s face, you shouldn’t say it online. Is bullying okay if it’s done over Facebook or Twitter? No.
Yes, one can publish her thoughts and opinions on her (or his) personal blog. Yes, one can comment on what the AAP recommends, or note what the laws are. And then, one should just hold one’s tongue. Or at the least don’t resort to flaming or name calling.
Sigh. More and more people are coming out against the Mommy Wars, and then turning around and being hypocritical. I did it a while back on my blog. You are doing it right, and I fully commend you. Thanks!
Well said. You never truly know what another mother is going through or why she made a choice that she did, only that she thought it was best for her child.
I think that if we’re honest with ourselves, we all judge sometimes. it’s juts a matter of what we do with that judgement!
This is a thoughtful post on a topic that is still very much prevalent.
This was really well put. I have to force myself not to read the “comments” when I read local news on-line because they are so awful. Anonymity seems to give people permission to say out loud that which they would otherwise keep to themselves.
Yes, I’ve been guilty of judging other people. I try to keep it to myself.
I had my two babies pre internet and I’m sure it wasn’t as bad. I learned a long time ago that there’s no one right way and that’s okay.
I think its natural for people to judge. BUT, in saying that…it isn’t right for people to share those judgements. Mom’s especially need all the positive support we can get! Our job as moms didn’t come with a training manual. We didn’t have weeks of “on the job training” like most people do when they start a job.
We are all trying to find our way. Our way may not match another persons way, and that is okay. The one thing we have in common is that we are doing what we feel is best for our children!
I’ve written a couple of posts like this in the past and one pretty recently. I’m so tired of us knocking each other down, although like you, there is not too much of this in my interent circle and I’m SO grateful for that!
I loved your last 2 paragraphs, especially, and you make an awesome point about it being easy to criticize here in the online world.
And I just want to shout that last paragraph form the ROOF TOPS!!!
So great to find your blog and I really like your writing. Thank you SO much for linking up today and just so you know, I shared your post on my FB page and on twitter.
Hope you’ll link up again next week!!
~Elaine
Me and some of my mommy friends were just talking this morning about how none of us are perfect, but we are all good moms because keep trying, we love our kids to distraction, and we never stop trying to do better. All seven us parent differently. We share similarities of course because it would be impossible not to, but none of us judges the other. We all love and support each other. I think it would be wonderful if we could do that with all moms. If women could put aside their differences and channel our supportive networks I bet we could solve the debt crisis, feed all the hungry children, fix our messed up political structure, and discover the cure for the common cold.
Well maybe not that last one.
AMEN! I completely agree… 100%. I found this post through The Miss Elaine-ous Life FB page post and I am so GLAD that I did! We all have judged at one time or another. But being the recipient of judgement has taught me that judging other moms in the most ridiculous thing another can do. Because I can’t tell you HOW many times I have (years later) done the same thing I have judged others badly for doing.
You just can’t pass judgement on another mom’s decision until you’ve been there. And really, when do you know that you have every fully walked in that mom’s shoes?
I really connected to this post
Glad to have found your blog!