10 May
Babies Babies Everywhere
Over the last three weeks, 2 people that I know have had their second babies. Beautiful, healthy little babies. My sister is due with her second child this summer. I’m in the middle of planning her baby shower.
And while I’m happy for my sister and my friends, I can’t help but feel a little bit of sadness. I know, it makes me a terrible person, but I just can’t help it, see these friends, they all have one thing in common. They’ve never had a c-section and they have all experienced they type of birth that I have always wanted.
Then there is my friend Rebecca. Her little boy was born last week. He daughter is 3 weeks older than Jack. Rebecca had a c-section with her daughter. She and I became close as we both wanted to have a VBAC and were both very into researching everything that we could on the subject. Last week, Rebecca had her little boy and she had a successful VBAC. I am over the moon happy for her. But, I’m also jealous. And not a little jealous. A LOT jealous. And I pretty much hate myself for it.
I’ve heard many a story about terrible c-section experiences. I am not one of those stories. Both my sections were calm, wonderful experiences (although I could have done without the shaking during the second one) and I am so grateful for that. Yet there I times that I just can’t shake the feeling that I missed out on something.
I know that this is an issue that I need to get past. And most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. I think that right now I’m just in a perfect storm of emotions. It’s becoming more and more apparent that we will likely not have any more children, which obviously means no chance for a VBAC. My anxiety is rather high right now. I’m getting ready for my first business trip since before Jack was born. I’m going to be away for 5 nights and I already miss my boys. Oh, and let’s not forget that lovely beast called PMS.
I’m working on getting past this but every once in a while the thoughts creep into my head. I hear my mom telling me repeatedly that I didn’t give birth to Jack, I hear someone else say that a c-section is unnatural, yet someone else saying that my body just wasn’t made to birth my children “normally”. None of these are true, but once the thoughts are in my head, I can’t stop them. Then come the what ifs and that’s never a good thing.
I’m not even sure how to end this other than to say, yes I know at the end of the day the most important thing is that my boys are happy and healthy. I am beyond grateful that they are the two happiest boys that I have ever seen.
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I started writing this last week and could hardly make it through the 2nd paragraph. I finished writing it today. It was hard to write, but I’m glad that I did. Thanks to some awesome people for encouraging me to finish writing this post.
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I just want to say first that you’re not a terrible person for feeling the way you do. It’s hard to be happy for people of whom we are jealous.
I had four pregnancies, and I saw midwives throughout all of them. I wanted so much to have “natural” (i.e. not medically assisted) births. That never panned out for me, although I didn’t have an epidural with Flora.
Even though I am sad I never went into labor unassisted, like you I try to focus on my healthy babies. Those voices in our heads are a bitch, though, aren’t they? I’m sorry you are feeling the way you do, but you sound like you also know what is important. Your sons are beautiful, and I hope you know that you have lots of support to feel the way you feel. Try not to beat yourself up too much!
Thank you!
You already know this, but I was given the option of trying to avoid a c-section with Alexis. The statistics about the risks associated with trying were enough to make me go,”HELL, NO!” immediately. Decisions are made based on what is safest at the moment and why risk anything if we really don’t have to? Anybody who gets all passive-aggressive or stupid about that decision is just being a doo-doo head. They’d be acting like a doo-doo head about something else if they didn’t have that, so at least it’s something you know was beyond your control.
Thanks for making me laugh with the doo-doo head comment
People suck with this stuff, seriously. And more than that, it breaks my heart to know that your own mother has contributed to your mixed-up feelings about this. So unfair.
I will never understand why people are judgey about how a baby comes out of a mother when it is completely out of our control. If you were, like, feeding your kids broken glass or something, SURE. Be judgey about that! But c-section vs whatever else… please. gah. I was fortunate enough to avoid any major interventions, but you can bet your ass I was all about the drugs. And yes, I get looks and comments about that. Whatever. My kids are fine and it doesn’t mean I love them any less for my decision to ease the pain of them being born. (I often wonder: do they also judge mothers who have c-sections AND drugs? DRUG FREE C-SECTIONS! wheee! Wouldn’t THAT be fun?? heh)
I hope you’re able to sort out your feelings and get some peace. You’re an awesome mama. xoxo
Jen – I honestly know someone who had an emergency c-section. The spinal meds didn’t work and they didn’t have enough time to knock her out. She felt every second of the c-section. *shudder*
And thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.
I think we, as mothers, are all inclined to feel like we failed at SOMETHING. If it’s not type of labor, it’s drugs during labor. Or it’s breastfeeding. Or signing. Or cloth vs. disposable. Or working vs. staying at home. We all have something we feel like we did “wrong” I beat myself up with both kids that I didn’t breastfeed longer. But once I went back to work, pumping never worked well for me. We as moms need to support each other more with this kind of thing. One down side to the internet is the ability of moms to judge and beat each other up over stupid stuff.